We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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