i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
