you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
