I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
