His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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