Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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