ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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