The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
