You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
