My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
