It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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