Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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