so explain again why im purple
no
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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