I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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