highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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