This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
