the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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