Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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