i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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