so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize