I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
