cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
