True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
