Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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