Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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