Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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