Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
