Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
