Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
another moral hangover. fuck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize