things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
