i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
