god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
