You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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