and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize