WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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