Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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