...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
