Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
