My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
