I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
