Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize