I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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