i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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