My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize