i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
