the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
