I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
