why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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