Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
