FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
