I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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