and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
