I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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