you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
