im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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