We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize