Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Shame - the story of my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
