When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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