I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
